Jesus Loves Me!

- - posted in Ancient Archives

Today someone outside the library told me “Jesus loves you!”. Honestly, Jesus is like a shy teenager sending a friend to be a go-between. I’m going to need more active persuasion than that.

I responded with something like “Thanks, that’s nice. But I’m not that keen on him”. That sounded a bit patronising, and I didn’t mean it to. Frankly I’d rather it sounded a bit funnier and slightly ruder. This is OK: evangelic Christians like a bit of mild persecution. It makes them feel like they’re doing their jobs properly. Nobody got to be a saint as a result of polite “no-thank-yous”.

As I’m too dim to manage an instant and witty response I’m working on better replies so that next time I can appear mildly persecutional and destined for their hell. So far I’ve got:

  • “But he never phones!”
  • “Yeah, but he never stays the night” <– I think the gay element might improve things
  • “I’d like to talk, but Cthulhu will rip me apart if I talk to you. He’s waking up, you know.”
  • “Krishna sent me a birthday card - what did Jesus send? Nothing.”
  • “I like monkeys. I’ve heard that The Bible doesn’t have any monkeys in it at all”
  • “The Bible says that Pi equals 3.”

There’s a slim chance the poor deluded fool will wake up one day and realise he’s wasting his only life worrying about the one he’ll never have, but sadly I don’t think snarky comments about Elder Gods will be enough.

A. assures me that she never gets approached by Evangelicals, but this was the second one I’ve been approached by this week. I think my hat is attracting them.